childless by choice

Now that Beyonce announced that she's preggers at the VMAs last night and the whole world seems to be beaming with excitement I figured this is the perfect time to FINALLY blog about my decision about not wanting to have children.

image via Huffington Post
SO PRETTY!

I've been wanting to do this post for about 9 months now (ha, that's long enough to make a baby!). But I figured that this is a good a time as any!

We're approaching our three year weddingd anniversary in several days. All of the couples that we know that have gotten married around the same time we did have had their child, or are divorced already. Some have had their baby and divorced and some have already remarried and expecting. And some are just expecting. Some are on their 2nd child! (You all know who you are! - wink, wink)

Wanting kids isn't just the social norm, it's said to be a biological imperative. I hear that parenthood so fulfilling and the greatest job in the world. I'm just not so sure it's for us.

Working at Hallmark Cards where an average of 10 women are preggo at ALL times I'm asked almost weekly of when I'm starting a family.

I'm told, "but you'd have such great kids!" And, "but you'd be such a great mom!" Yes, I must admit that I wonder what talented cutie genius my husband and I would have and what craft activities me and my child will do together.

I'm told, "you'll change your mind." Well, maybe so. I'm no spring chicken though. With my 37th birthday several days away I need to make up my mind sooner than later. And this is not a decision to rush into!

Or I'll hear "it'll be different when you have your own." My house isn't the place where kids come and hang out, nor am I Auntie or Godmother to any crumb snatcher that comes my way (I'm a loving Aunt to my 13-year-old nephew). I'm sure I'll have mad love for my baby. But I'm not going to pop one out to check and see.

image via Essence

I simply cannot connect to the thought of motherhood and a human being growing in my tummy (among other gross baby things). All of the crafty blogs turned mommie blogs and all of the gals that I know that have had children has not turned on the deep desire of motherhood for me.

I was once embarrassed to say that we didn't want to have children. Being a woman and admitting that you don't want children is still taboo. That's why people get married right? To start a family? Well, I got married to spend the rest of my life with the man I love. 

I'm totally comfortable with giving up my spot in the blogosphere and become the best mommie ever. Or even attempting to do it and have it all. But I'm just not feeling putting Mommy on my resume.

I find that people are more supportive nowadays. But I always feel like someone thinks something is wrong with me and my decision, especially since I'm married and being childless by choice and not circumstance.

image via PewResearchCenter Publications

Since the dawn of birth control, more women have opted against having kids. Nearly one-in-five American women now ends her childbearing years without giving birth, up from one-in-10 in the 1970s, according to a 2010 Pew study.

There is a growing community of childfree folks. So am I on trend? LOL... But there is no scientific reasoning of why some women feel a seemingly innate, almost primal desire to procreate, and others don’t.

I thought I was going to hear some ticking time-bomb during my 35th year on this earth telling me it's time. I don't hear anything yet. But I have 3-5 years left to hear something!

SOUND OFF WITH YOUR COMMENTS!

Comments

[Sarah]

I applaud your decision and think it's great that you feel comfortable enough to speak your mind. I definitely feel that this world doesn't need more children just because women feel like they MUST procreate. So, hooray for you!! :-)

My husband and I received a TON of the same comments after we had been married for just year but still hadn't yet popped out that baby. We had decided to wait a bit until we felt more financially stable and to seemingly everyone thought that was just crazy and wrong. Are there rules in a "getting married" handbook we missed somewhere?? Almost four years of marriage later I am now due to deliver our first (and only!!) child in October. We feel like we're ready and prepared. Not that everyone does this, but many people I know got pregnant and expected that baby shower because they felt they couldn't afford everything necessary...we didn't need this. It feels good to know that we did it on our terms.

Being a woman and being married does not always equal baby!! Thank you for posting your thoughts. So awesome!!

[Jeanee]

Thanks Sarah! And congrats on your 1st baby coming! Two of my dear friends are expecting in 2 weeks now.

I feel you on waiting for the finances. But I know if we were expecting (at any time) we'd make it work (we wouldn't have a choice, right!?!).

And yeah, where is the marriage AND life handbook. Being divorced, on my 2nd marriage and 3rd career I don't think that our mom's and grandma's old way of doing things apply anymore.

[nina]

Jeanee, this post definitely hit a chord with me. I've been thinking the same thing as i have had my 37th bday in June. I'm not one of those that want to rush out and have kids esp since I don't have a partner in my life at the moment. I might change my mind if that was not the case but I struggle with the state of the world and bringing in kids into it. Not to mention I am considering another career change myself. Most of my friends who have had their first kid recently are not spring chickens and have waited till their early thirties to late thirties to have children. I even have a friend who had an unexpected first child at 45. If a kid wants to come to me in the future I'm open to it but I don't feel the call strong enough to set out to be a single parent by choice. I admire those who have that strength. Just a personal preference and I think it's grand that you posted this. It's nice to know others are thinking along the same lines because you're right about social pressures. Sometimes I feel like I'm off track being single and childless but it's where I am now and I'd rather be this than be in a relationship for the wrong reasons with the wrong person. Great thing is life is unscripted so if I change my mind it's my right to do so. Thanks for posting.

[Jeanee]

NINA! Yes, we're getting old :(

Someone had a baby at 45! Goodnight! Well, at least I look younger than what I am and people won't be askingme if my child is my grandbaby... LOL!

Thanks so much for commenting. And yes, life is SUPER unscripted. MISS YOU!!!

[Debbie Chialtas]

Hi Jeanee - I'm going to turn 37 this year, too! Funny! But regarding your post - I have 2 kids and am still adjusting to and accepting life as a mother. Yes, it's amazing to see little people that my husband and I made, running around and being adorable. But it's a lot of hard work and sacrifice.

I always like to be the voice of reason when my childless friends are considering having kids, so I hugely support your decision. I feel like it's the most environmentally friendly decision a human can make - don't make more humans! :)

Enjoy your freedom to travel and ability to be spontaneous!

[Sarah]

As someone who had kids in my early 20's, as much as I love my boys it would have been better if I had waited until I am older. Kids complicate things.......your marriage, you as a person and it can take some time to "find" who you are again. Now that my boys are older and I am in my 30's I feel like I have more to offer them, but I am also a better mom and a better human being - I think age brings wisdom and patience.

As far as your decision to not have children - I say good for you! Its your personal choice - women are not breeding machines and no one has the right to question your decision or pressure you into having a child. In my opinion, your success in life isn't based on whether you have a child/children but who you are as a person and how you have lived your life. Society is slowly coming around and in the meantime live your life and be happy!!

[Jeanee]

Debbie, I dunno if I'm spontaneous. But being environmentally friendly by not having kids -- I like that!

Thanks Sarah. I want to be happy :)

Time will tell if I end up changing my mind. But nope for now.

[kellie]

such a great post. its like you read my mind. I've been married 6 years and and keep thinking the urge is going to hit me to want kid s-- but hasn't yet, and i'll be 35 in a couple months..... i also just recently saw my 2 month old adorable neice who spit up on me and then I immediately dry heaved -- so for right now i'm taking that as a sign as i'm not ready right now either...:)